My Dear Child,
I have a confession.
Through the 8 years you have been in my life I have prayed and longed for you to be healed from all of your diagnoses, illnesses, and struggles. I have yelled at God for allowing my sweet, innocent baby to come into this world with such life altering afflictions. I have traveled the world seeking treatments to help you overcome these diagnoses. I have pleaded with doctors for answers and to save you from distress. I have always wanted you better. That is all I have ever dreamed of. A better you.
As I was lying in bed early this morning, I could feel your warm, plump hand against my shoulder. You were stroking and patting my shirt, in what seemed like an attempt to wake me, as you laid in the still darkness of my bedroom. I turned around to find you awake with your bright sparkling eyes blinking happily. I kissed your perched lips good morning and you quickly returned a kissing sound to me. Then that signature toothless smile came. We giggled and hugged and made the most out of our alone time as I brushed your perfect dirty blonde hair with my fingers. I loved every second of it.
These are the moments when things become clear to me. Crystal clear. Although I pray for a better you, I know I shouldn’t. God’s plan for you is so much grander than I could ever fathom. He sent you here, to this place we call Earth filled with so many people who long for hope and love and peace, for a very specific purpose. God formed you in my womb with all of your perfect abnormalities according to His will. He knew that your life would be one of hardships, pain, and diagnoses. And in His divine plan you were destined to be mine. God handpicked you to come into my life and change it, it was up to me to decide how.
I have to admit the first few years with you were rough. You cried ALL.THE.TIME. You puzzled me. You pushed me to my limit. You made me question everything that I was brought up to believe in. I couldn’t understand the why’s or how’s. I didn’t know God then, even though I thought I did. But you my child. With your persistence and will and love for life, you changed everything slowly but surely. I have watched you suffer. I have hit my knees asking God to make it stop and wondered where He was when you needed Him most. You have endured back to back hospital stays, agonizing seizures, gruesome surgeries, relentless needle sticks, tests after tests…things that no one should ever have to live through. Yet you my beautiful child, you endured these things and then you smile…..a smile that knows much more than I do, a smile that is from Heaven.
Years have passed and our life together has crystalized. You have learned how to navigate your life and your courage amazes me. I have seen miracles performed on your little body and I’m just in awe. You smile through it all. Your joy is infectious. Having you in my life has made me a better human being. You have deepened my faith without ever having said one single word. All from being exactly who you are, no more no less, the person God created just for me. I am eternally grateful for you.
I go about sharing your testimony to our family and friends and to anyone who will listen because I want others to experience you and our Savior. You have shown me that God is displayed everywhere. He is displayed in your smile that ignites joy in others. He is displayed in your eyes that are so beautiful and full of life. He is displayed in your presence that makes others renew their faith in God and humanity. He is displayed through you my child and it is a beautiful thing.
So I lie here watching you wave your hand in the air feeling the wind from the fan and contently clicking your tongue and I think to myself how I could want a better you. It isn’t possible. You are perfect. I am so sorry that you can’t enjoy life the same way others boys do and play ball with your brothers. My momma heart wants you to have sight, and walk, and talk, and be a typical kid. While that would be absolutely amazing and a dream come true, it wouldn’t be you. I wouldn’t be who I am. And the thousands of other lives you have touched wouldn’t be themselves either. You are our warrior and you teach us to appreciate the small things, find the blessing in every situation, and to love unconditionally. You make US better.
I have days where I struggle with heartache for you, which I know is completely nothing in comparison to what you endure. I cry. I pray. I hold you close to me breathing in your goodness. Then just like a drug I’m surrounded by His grace and I’m thankful. Thankful for you and our life together and the joy that you bring to everyone you meet. I’m once again reminded of your perfect purpose here and the heartache subsides. Knowing this I have to confess my precious child, I can’t say I want you better because you are exactly the way God intended. You are perfect.
I love you.
8 thoughts on “My Dear Child, I have a confession…”
Exactly what I needed this morning… A good cry! Very beautiful and moving, Katie.
Who are we to ask for more? You are so right, God’s plan is perfect. And when we struggle with our human-ness, God gets to be glorified. Just as your sweet letter did.
Such a sweet story, God gives us not what we want, but what we need. My son isnt nearly as ill as your child, but my son was born with a rare disease called PHPV, blind in one eye, small eye that sinks inside his socket, facial structure doesnt grow like other side. His eye bleeds internally. At first, i was like you, he started having surgery at 3 weeks old, I cried, I prayed please heal this baby of mine. I blamed me, then I though about all the things he wouldnt be able to do, as the dr told me he would be years behind just crawling or walking. (Surely my God said no way, bc he was walking at 10 1/2 months). The first year was hard, I looked like a walking zombie. He screamed non stop, he was never happy, he was in pain. He liked no one touching his face. Among this, he also found out to have other issues, lactose interolant, severe allergies. Till this day, been on 11 antibiotics since Aug. I didnt know how much more I could take, I prayed and said tell me its going to be okay. Tell me not to treat this baby any diff than what I planned when I knew I was having him. At around 10 month old i knew not to pray for this baby to be healed, but to pray that he becomes a man of God and that he lives his life for God. I prayed and still pray this everyday, as well as protect his good eye all the time. When others say lets pray for healing, I get upset bc thats not what God wants for Brody. If he did, surely he wouldnt have been born with PHPV and all the complications that come with it. I dont know Gods reason for it, but God knows. I always have had a close relationship with God but until BRody was born 4 1/2 years ago, I have became even closer bc I know i ve been blessed to be choosen his mom. I know God is testing me to the best of my abilities to raise my kids in a christian loving atmosphere. Im going to praise every single complication that has arrised and will arrise bc Im his mom! Your dong a great job, and he is one of Gods meaning testimonys walking this earth!
I have been following your Facebook page for a long time now. Connor is truly a piece of heaven here on Earth and all of us are blessed that you share his journey with us. This was so beautifully written and wonderfully honest. Thank you for sharing hope with us all. We don’t know the mind of God, but I do know that He picked Connor for you and you for him. Absolutely beautiful!
I have had chills the whole entire time I read this. This couldn’t have been written any better. Perfect, just like Connor! Xoxoxo
He sure is perfect! This is so true Katie. This child is God’s little work of art ministering to others through his smile and his sufferings. Love you sweet girl!
Beautiful Katie…you are such a remarkable writer, and Connor’s journey is so inspiring. Thank you for sharing Connor with us, as he is a blessing to us all. ❤️