My Dear Child,
I have a confession.
Through the 8 years you have been in my life I have prayed and longed for you to be healed from all of your diagnoses, illnesses, and struggles. I have yelled at God for allowing my sweet, innocent baby to come into this world with such life altering afflictions. I have traveled the world seeking treatments to help you overcome these diagnoses. I have pleaded with doctors for answers and to save you from distress. I have always wanted you better. That is all I have ever dreamed of. A better you.
As I was lying in bed early this morning, I could feel your warm, plump hand against my shoulder. You were stroking and patting my shirt, in what seemed like an attempt to wake me, as you laid in the still darkness of my bedroom. I turned around to find you awake with your bright sparkling eyes blinking happily. I kissed your perched lips good morning and you quickly returned a kissing sound to me. Then that signature toothless smile came. We giggled and hugged and made the most out of our alone time as I brushed your perfect dirty blonde hair with my fingers. I loved every second of it.
These are the moments when things become clear to me. Crystal clear. Although I pray for a better you, I know I shouldn’t. God’s plan for you is so much grander than I could ever fathom. He sent you here, to this place we call Earth filled with so many people who long for hope and love and peace, for a very specific purpose. God formed you in my womb with all of your perfect abnormalities according to His will. He knew that your life would be one of hardships, pain, and diagnoses. And in His divine plan you were destined to be mine. God handpicked you to come into my life and change it, it was up to me to decide how.
I have to admit the first few years with you were rough. You cried ALL.THE.TIME. You puzzled me. You pushed me to my limit. You made me question everything that I was brought up to believe in. I couldn’t understand the why’s or how’s. I didn’t know God then, even though I thought I did. But you my child. With your persistence and will and love for life, you changed everything slowly but surely. I have watched you suffer. I have hit my knees asking God to make it stop and wondered where He was when you needed Him most. You have endured back to back hospital stays, agonizing seizures, gruesome surgeries, relentless needle sticks, tests after tests…things that no one should ever have to live through. Yet you my beautiful child, you endured these things and then you smile…..a smile that knows much more than I do, a smile that is from Heaven.
Years have passed and our life together has crystalized. You have learned how to navigate your life and your courage amazes me. I have seen miracles performed on your little body and I’m just in awe. You smile through it all. Your joy is infectious. Having you in my life has made me a better human being. You have deepened my faith without ever having said one single word. All from being exactly who you are, no more no less, the person God created just for me. I am eternally grateful for you.
I go about sharing your testimony to our family and friends and to anyone who will listen because I want others to experience you and our Savior. You have shown me that God is displayed everywhere. He is displayed in your smile that ignites joy in others. He is displayed in your eyes that are so beautiful and full of life. He is displayed in your presence that makes others renew their faith in God and humanity. He is displayed through you my child and it is a beautiful thing.
So I lie here watching you wave your hand in the air feeling the wind from the fan and contently clicking your tongue and I think to myself how I could want a better you. It isn’t possible. You are perfect. I am so sorry that you can’t enjoy life the same way others boys do and play ball with your brothers. My momma heart wants you to have sight, and walk, and talk, and be a typical kid. While that would be absolutely amazing and a dream come true, it wouldn’t be you. I wouldn’t be who I am. And the thousands of other lives you have touched wouldn’t be themselves either. You are our warrior and you teach us to appreciate the small things, find the blessing in every situation, and to love unconditionally. You make US better.
I have days where I struggle with heartache for you, which I know is completely nothing in comparison to what you endure. I cry. I pray. I hold you close to me breathing in your goodness. Then just like a drug I’m surrounded by His grace and I’m thankful. Thankful for you and our life together and the joy that you bring to everyone you meet. I’m once again reminded of your perfect purpose here and the heartache subsides. Knowing this I have to confess my precious child, I can’t say I want you better because you are exactly the way God intended. You are perfect.
I love you.