My Heart is Content…

I sit here listening to sounds of the machines trickling, humming, beeping.  I sit here looking around at the equipment, hospital beds, chairs, outlets.  I sit here taking all of you in, absorbing all of the calming peace that you exude, albeit just two hours earlier you were lying on an operating table.

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As I lie next to you on this single sized bed I am reminded of our blessings and how lucky we are.  As I lie next to you I think of the world outside these hospital walls and wish they could live in our world for only a moment to feel what pure, trusting love is.  As I lie next to you I pray to our Heavenly Father for his grace to fall upon others as it has fallen upon you and me.

I used to wish that we walked a different journey on this Earth.  I used to wish that you were healed and were a typical little boy running up and down these halls, instead of me pushing your wheelchair.  I used to wish that our life was simpler and not so complex.

But that was a different me, hoping for a different you.  Times have changed, minds have opened, and hearts have been filled.  I am content.

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I am content in knowing that this very hospital, the one that has saved your life time and time again, is our home away from home.  I am content in walking this topsy turvy path that God has placed us on.  I am content in loving every ounce of your perfectly imperfect Earthly body.  I am content in our complexly simple life for it has made me the mother and woman that I am today.

Gone are the days where I worried about what others think.  Gone are the days where I worry over minute things that used to occupy my mind for hours upon hours.  Gone are the days where I stressed about everyday life.

Admiring your innocent face sleeping so peacefully I can’t help but to shed a tear.  While your diagnoses may have seemed like a tragedy at first, they are now you- the boy who I love far more than I ever thought my heart was capable of.  Though you experience more health issues than any person should, you are braver than I ever could imagine being.  Keeping you healthy and happy is my most important job and advocating for you and others who walk our same journey is my mission in this life.

I know you didn’t choose this life my sweetness and Lord knows I didn’t either, but our Savior handpicked us to be together from the very beginning.  I may have questioned Him eight years ago when you and your multiple diagnoses were placed in my lap, but I understand now.  I believe you were sent here to wake me up from my mundane life.  You were sent here to me so that we could be a force to be reckoned with.  You were sent here to me to light a fire in my heart so that I could try to do His work through you.  You were sent here to me and I am forever thankful for my angel on Earth..

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Holding you close and listening to the sounds of this hospital, soaking in the pure goodness that you are filled with I can only pray that other’s lives can be touched so profoundly by knowing and loving someone like you.  I am grateful for this life that seems on the outside so treacherous, but on the inside is so full of love and where we are able to find the blessings in everything we do.

My heart is content in this complexly simple life…with you.

6 thoughts on “My Heart is Content…

  1. Reblogged this on Robot Boy & The Intrusive Interloper and commented:
    I cannot say my heart is one hundred percent content. I can’t say I don’t wish my child was able to do what average kids his age enjoy, and I selfishly wish he were more able because I have a hole in my heart that is not satisfied. I am filled with love for this gift of a child who may seem to some a burden, but who is my love and my life. I gladly dedicate my life to him. He had no choice in his condition; he had no say. He was a healthy, well, above-average toddler who was struck down by an insidious disease. My heart hurts for his suffering. But he is happy, for the most part. My child smiles and is loved and loves. He loves unconditionally, and I love him unconditionally.

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  2. Sitting here going over my worries.
    You and Conner have touched my heart and as I sit here crying I am praying for you and Conner. I have no worries and place myself in the hands of God.
    Thank you and Conner.

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  3. How beautiful, you have truly accomplished what God has designed for you. Some people have to wait a lifetime for that. May God continue to keep his healing hands on you and your beautiful son.

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  4. Such a heartwarming story. I have tried to keep up with Conner on facebook. Have not seen anything lately. Btw, my day was born and raised west of Amite and was a Stevens. Keep on with ur blog. So inspiring and may God bless.

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